Wednesday, November 25, 2009

We will not travel this year :(

I am a bit of a wreck today.
We have gotten word that the adoption officials will not be able (or willing?) to get everything done by the date needed to allow us to travel this year.
This means that we will not be able to travel until the end of January or February.
Normally even when my circumstances aren't what I like them to be - I can hold on to the truth that God sees the big picture and that His plan is much better than we could imagine.
But today, my faith is failing me.
I can't pull it together because I can't stop thinking...
She's going to spend 2.5-3 months sitting in her crib waiting for us.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months exposed to deadly flu viruses.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months exposed to the cold that comes with a harsh winter.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months growing and all the special outfits we bought her will likely not fit.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months learning new things that her momma and daddy won't be able to enjoy with her.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months missing all the wonderful holiday traditions we were so excited to share with her.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 more months wondering if there is something better than 20 hours a day in a crib wasting away.
We are going to spend 2.5-3 more months pining for our daughter
We are going to spend 2.5-3 more months wondering what she is doing, if she is okay, and if someone is showing her any love and attention.
I am going to spend 2.5-3 more months missing part of my heart and wondering why God wouldn't have shown off and brought our daughter home.

I pray that God will graciously allow me to have a glimpse in to His ways so I can understand why we all have to suffer through the next 2.5-3 months, and that the Glory brought to him will be worth it in the end.

God, I know you're good. I know that your plan is better. I know that you see the big picture. But I can't see it right now, and I'm not feeling very confident that your plan is better. All I can think is of my daughter, and how she's going to have to wait what will feel like an eternity to her. I struggle knowing that you can do anything if it's your wish - and you're choosing to not make this happen. I feel like screaming and yelling at you in disgust that you would allow this, angry that you would make her wait... isn't 3.5 years enough!!! and I feel like falling at your feet exhausted and balling, begging for your mercy - and asking again for a miracle - because I just can't believe that this is your will. It was much easier to swallow knowing that we were going to be getting her soon. And thinking I understood your bigger picture, because our process would be faster, she's be home in the nick of time, and you would have shown off your Glory with another amazing miracle. And I truly believed that we would. But now I just sit here in disbelief and frustration weeping for my little girl. I don't understand....


soontobemomof9 said...

Oh Ashley, my heart is sad with you... I was just sure you would be going soon! I don't think there are words that are much comfort right now.

Please know that I will be praying for you! Please keep talking to God, He so wants to hear you... anger, sadness, confusion and all!

.... She WILL be coming home! She WILL know of her mommy and daddys love and journey to get to her! She WILL, it will just take more time. :(

Amy L said...

Oh, I am so sorry to hear this! I know how much your heart aches right now, because I was in your shoes last year at this time. I had just fiished my first trip to Russia to see Elijah and was hoping to have him home by Christmas. In fact, he should have been. But the courts in the region he was in decided to appoint a new position to be part of the proceedings for all cases not just adoptions so everything got put on hold for a couple months! It was 5 months between my trips! I was finally able to travel back for my second trip at the end of March. I am praying for you, because it hurts so much right now and it doesn't seem fair at all. Please know that you have a lot of poeple praying for you and your precious Olive, we all can't wait until she is in your arms!

Shea said...

I remember all too well last year being heartbroken that our son would not be home for xmas. I even discovered I threw one of my trees away, when I went to look for it this year, I was so down and depressed. Yes, he too grew out of lots of the clothes we had bought. BUT I sold them to Lou and they covered the expense of our waiver I was short on. I know that I can't make you feel any better. However, I have been through this(it took 18 months to complete our adoption), and I do know how you are feeling. Looking back though, I know for certain that it was God's plan for us to wait. It worked out so much better this way. At the time I would have never believed it. God will reveal his plan for your life and for Olive's. Always remember, he loves her even more than you do. Though you are not there, he is watching over your baby.

NDMom said...

Praying for you, Ashley! Love, Paula

Zactly said...

So sorry Ashley. We too were forced to wait until after the holidys to travel to Serbia. The wait and sacrifices will all be worth it when you hold Olive. And you will hold her and love her for many years to come. Sometimes God's plans are hard to understand, but our job is to just be faithful. God gives the orphans comfort. He glazes their eyes to shield them. This is all Olive knows, she finds joy in the little things. Eating, playing, etc. Once you all get her home, then she will see a new joy and peace and comfort. Thank you all for enduring the hardships for your daughter Olive. God bless you. She is strong and God will take care of her until you get there.
Just get through the next few months as best you can, and then your families new life together will begin.
sorry for your struggles,

wordgardener said...

Oh Ashley, I am sorry for your disappointment. I do believe that God will send Olive's personal angel to assist her in the wait. I remember watching our Caylyn invite an angel in through the window and to sit on the bed one evening while she was in the hospital. I know that angel came in because Cay smiled and then laid down and went to sleep right away. Not me, I sat up for a long time wondering who we were sharing the bed with. I too had hoped to travel this year but not everyone is on our schedule of "five minutes ago would have been better" so we drag our plows and urge the others to hurry up. Sometimes we just cannot finish the job because others do not move the same as us. May our efforts to be faithful be seen by God and honored as He loves our children estra sweetly while we wait to get to them. Hugs, Cathy Bachman

teresa said...

Ashley, I am so sorry. I know this is sooo disappointing. I remember last year when we traveled in December, spent Christmas away from our family and still didn't get to bring Steven home (not til July) I still don't understand the 'why' of that sacrifice. I just have to trust God--for me and for you. Sorry, I'm sure this isn't very comforting right now. Praying, Joy

schoolmother said...

Sorry, I didn't realize I was posting under my daughter Teresa's profile. That was from me.

Cara and Doug said...

Ashley- I know how hard it is to wait. Know that God's timing is prefect, even when it doesn't feel like it. God's plan is perfect, even though we sometimes cannot see through our grief. (I think about the dark days after finding out Max's mom had come to the orphanage and taken him home after we had our travel date to go get him. It was so hard for me to see the big picture and trust that the LORD had a plan all of his own for us...and had all along)
Olive will be waiting for you. In a way, she is lucky to be on a floor with kiddos who don't leave the building, so less germs will be on her floor. She gets therapy 5 days a week. I know it isn't the same as the love of a family, but I truly believe those that work in her orphanage do what they can to care for the children to the best of their abilities.
We will continue to pray for God to surround you with HIS love and comfort you.

Anna said...

This is where I was last week. So hot on your heels. Our financial needs were met a long time ago and we were told we would have our little one home Jan '09. For last week to come and go without word means we wont travel until after the end of the year.(we missed another BD and the holidays) sigh. God has been faithful and He remains my strength and shield. If youd like to you can click over and read my post about grief. I am so glad that you have others around you praying and holding your arms up when you have no strength.