I am a bit of a wreck today.
We have gotten word that the adoption officials will not be able (or willing?) to get everything done by the date needed to allow us to travel this year.
This means that we will not be able to travel until the end of January or February.
Normally even when my circumstances aren't what I like them to be - I can hold on to the truth that God sees the big picture and that His plan is much better than we could imagine.
But today, my faith is failing me.
I can't pull it together because I can't stop thinking...
She's going to spend 2.5-3 months sitting in her crib waiting for us.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months exposed to deadly flu viruses.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months exposed to the cold that comes with a harsh winter.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months growing and all the special outfits we bought her will likely not fit.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months learning new things that her momma and daddy won't be able to enjoy with her.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 months missing all the wonderful holiday traditions we were so excited to share with her.
She is going to spend 2.5-3 more months wondering if there is something better than 20 hours a day in a crib wasting away.
We are going to spend 2.5-3 more months pining for our daughter
We are going to spend 2.5-3 more months wondering what she is doing, if she is okay, and if someone is showing her any love and attention.
I am going to spend 2.5-3 more months missing part of my heart and wondering why God wouldn't have shown off and brought our daughter home.
I pray that God will graciously allow me to have a glimpse in to His ways so I can understand why we all have to suffer through the next 2.5-3 months, and that the Glory brought to him will be worth it in the end.
God, I know you're good. I know that your plan is better. I know that you see the big picture. But I can't see it right now, and I'm not feeling very confident that your plan is better. All I can think is of my daughter, and how she's going to have to wait what will feel like an eternity to her. I struggle knowing that you can do anything if it's your wish - and you're choosing to not make this happen. I feel like screaming and yelling at you in disgust that you would allow this, angry that you would make her wait... isn't 3.5 years enough!!! and I feel like falling at your feet exhausted and balling, begging for your mercy - and asking again for a miracle - because I just can't believe that this is your will. It was much easier to swallow knowing that we were going to be getting her soon. And thinking I understood your bigger picture, because our process would be faster, she's be home in the nick of time, and you would have shown off your Glory with another amazing miracle. And I truly believed that we would. But now I just sit here in disbelief and frustration weeping for my little girl. I don't understand....