Feeling a little better now that's I've vomited all that raw emotion out for over 24 hours. It was hard to put Olive's Christmas outfit on my other daughter for Thanksgiving. I bought it before I knew her measurements, and it would have been nearly too small should we have brought her home even now - so in 2-3 months time it surely wouldn't fit. I would have loved to preserve it as the first outfit bought for her - but I'm just too practical for that, and couldn't spend $15 for a dress to hang in a closet. Besides, it'll allow for me to buy her a new first special outfit later.
Anyhow, many of you might have perceived me of over-reacting, considering we WILL still be bringing her home - and at some point I'm sure I'll say "it was better this way" (or maybe I wont).... But the real reason I was knocked so far off my rocker was because I had such total and complete peace about traveling this year. I felt that God had reassured me over and over that if I would just believe in Him fully - she would be home before the holidays. Part of me is still praying for a miracle.
But, I felt like Joshua asking God to stop the sun from moving so they could have victory - and I felt total peace and confidence that He would. But, He didn't.
This was the first time that I really felt God had given me Word on something, and completely believed in Him to provide what I was asking for - and had confirmation in my spirit from other people affirming they felt the same. And it did not happen.
That has been hard for me to work through. Especially because we're not talking about praying in faith for a new minivan or for a job promotion. We're talking about my baby - who is half a world away from me - who I would do ANYTHING to bring home even just ONE SECOND earlier because I love her that much.