Friday, November 27, 2009

Feeling a little better today...

Feeling a little better now that's I've vomited all that raw emotion out for over 24 hours. It was hard to put Olive's Christmas outfit on my other daughter for Thanksgiving. I bought it before I knew her measurements, and it would have been nearly too small should we have brought her home even now - so in 2-3 months time it surely wouldn't fit. I would have loved to preserve it as the first outfit bought for her - but I'm just too practical for that, and couldn't spend $15 for a dress to hang in a closet. Besides, it'll allow for me to buy her a new first special outfit later.

Anyhow, many of you might have perceived me of over-reacting, considering we WILL still be bringing her home - and at some point I'm sure I'll say "it was better this way" (or maybe I wont).... But the real reason I was knocked so far off my rocker was because I had such total and complete peace about traveling this year. I felt that God had reassured me over and over that if I would just believe in Him fully - she would be home before the holidays. Part of me is still praying for a miracle.

But, I felt like Joshua asking God to stop the sun from moving so they could have victory - and I felt total peace and confidence that He would. But, He didn't.

This was the first time that I really felt God had given me Word on something, and completely believed in Him to provide what I was asking for - and had confirmation in my spirit from other people affirming they felt the same. And it did not happen.

That has been hard for me to work through. Especially because we're not talking about praying in faith for a new minivan or for a job promotion. We're talking about my baby - who is half a world away from me - who I would do ANYTHING to bring home even just ONE SECOND earlier because I love her that much.


Shea said...

I don't think you were over reacting at all. I mean I almost totally called of xmas last year. It was bad. I totally pretended I was happy the whole time. Santa even came to Oskar and I left his tree up this whole year. I know where you are coming from.

soontobemomof9 said...

I don't think you overreacted either! If I thought for one second there was a chance we could travel this year, I would be heartbroken to learn we couldn't! As it is, I am heartbroken that it will take 2 trips to bring them home. :(

I guess I jsut am hard to satisfy when it comes to bringing my babies home!

krysia.degraaf said...

Ashley~ I can't even imagine how you must feel. I know that there's nothing I can do to make any of it better. Just know that you have friends and family that are praying for you and would help you in any way you need. Even if its just to vent your frustration and anger on. I know she won't be coming home as soon as you hoped, but she IS coming home.

Christina said...

Not overreacting at all. Every day spent there is another day lost forever. We try not to think about how different Em might be right now if a few ignorant people hadn't delayed and delayed ... no person should have such destructive power over the life of a child.

So sorry for you guys. :(

Joanna and David said...

Oh dear Ashley - This is so so hard. I cannot imagine not having my baby with me - you have been so strong and I know your exhausted and your heartache is deep. You trust in God and I thank Him for your faith - He will carry you through this. Just hug the 2 sweet babies you can and keep praying God's arms around the baby you so long to hug. She will be okay. God will hug her until you are able to. YOU WILL HOLD HER! Keep the faith and we will keep praying for you and sweet Olive.