I'm tired!

I am so tired.
This is the hardest job that I have ever had.
I have baby-sat 6 toddlers and babies at the same time, all day, 5 days a week, pregnant, and did not have a problem.
I felt prepared for fostering, read many books, have the heart for it, went to every training, optional or not.
My husband and I are on the same page, and both are capable of loving other children like our own, and are comfortable with the goal of reunification, or adoption which ever a case would go.

Sounds great on paper right?

Well, that's what I thought.

But, these kids have me seriously second guessing my abilities.
J. has very challenging behaviors, urinating on the floor, refusing to go to bed, cursing, manipulating, disobedience, "accidently" hurting the other kids, impulsiveness, can't sit still for a second, etc.

I don't expect him to be any different given the circumstances.

But, I'm not sure I could handle it every day, for months.

I am finishing out this commitment only with the help of my husband and to glorify God.

"Your need is My chance to help. Faith is all I need to manifest My Power."
--Two Listeners

I have a lot going through my mind right now...
Is this the right timing?
Are all the kids going to be as challenging as J?
Could I continue to do this with extra support (house cleaner, regular babysitter, pre-school, etc)?
What ages are going to be best for our family?
Maybe we should do just babies?
Maybe we should do just foster care adoption 2 and under?
Maybe we should just put this all off right now?

A long day!

I thought I'd journal my day - so that way when I went to bed tonight with a dirty house, and tired, less than preened children, and a very tired body, and felt that I didn't get a thing accomplished.... I could most definitely look at this list, and say I got much accomplished (just maybe not what I wanted).
My day today:
7:15 - hear 1st noises, roll over wishing they'd fall back asleep
7:30 - hear movement, get up and go down stairs
7:40 - help J. go potty and talk to Karl on phone
7:43 - get Ethan, and send J. down stairs.
7:45-8:10 get J. & D. changed and ready for the day
8:10 - sit down for breakfast
8:15 - serve breakfast (blueberries, bananas, and raisin english muffin)

8:20 - check email
8:25 - check foster boards for support
House is a mess from yesterday


8:27 - start unloading dishwasher
8:39 - stop unloading dishwasher to get kids down and put on sesame street
9:09 - finish cleaning high chair and decide that I hate the fancy ones with all the padding and frills that just hide the crumbs and get stained. I resolve to take that junk off, and Evelyn can live with out.
9:19 - feel my incision strain as I open the sliding door for the dogs to go out. Yes, I've been doing too much physical lifting and what not, and my 9 month old incision is starting to burn. I spray the door track with WD-40
9:29 - get babygirl out of bed, change her diaper, give dogs benedryl

9:35 - finish vacuuming
Finally Clean!


9:42 - give baby crackers, feed dogs, give water to dogs


9:43 - call Karl
9:46 - smile because of all the giggling
9:50 - talk to Kasey
9:58 - hear crying, D. bit Ethan on the face. D. gets time out.

10:00 - change ethan and evelyn's diapers, get all the kids a drink
10:10 - D. is finally quiet, and can get out of time out
10:12 - get Evelyn clothes, finally
10:15 - change ethan in to clothes, finally

10:20 - put Evie in her jumper

10:25 - change over laundry and put a new load in
10:30 - fold diapers
10:55 - finish folding diapers

10:55 - get kids snack, hand full of cereal and juice
10:58 - put diapers away
11:10 - change D. diaper, put kids in their rooms for quiet reading time
11:15 - wipe table from snack and refill wipes container
11:25 - clean living room, and wrangle kids from all over the house
11:30 - ethan tries to go potty, every one watches
11:32 - J. gets time out for squirting soap on the steps
11:33 - d. shuts her finger in the door, she's been warned a million times not to play with bi-fold doors, doesn't get much more than a kiss on the finger, and a "you're ok"
11:35 - catch Ethan snaking chocolate from my secret stash next to my bed
11:38 - change Ethan's diaper
11:40 - continue cleaning
11:50 - vaccume the back room
12:00 - get kids sat down for lunch
12:05 - lunch is served, chicken nuggets *soy for ethan*, potato soup
12:10 - I actually eat some lunch, first thing all day
12:30 - start nap routine, bathroom, teeth, diapers, jammies
1:00 - kids are laying down now
1:09 - have to put the kids back in their beds
1:14 - had to hush kids
1:20 - nurse evelyn
1:30 - put evelyn down for nap
1:35 - check in on kids, D. is asleep but there is blood on her face and hands. J. is awake, and doesn't have an explanation. I check her over, can't see anything right away, resolve to find out after nap, she wakes up, I have to stand there until she falls back asleep.
1:40 - I check my email, etc.
1:45 - pull ethan off of the drums, he throws a fit - I give him juice and a kids show
It's 3:00 now, and in the mean time I have tried to keep Ethan quiet, edited pictures, wrote this post, had a snack, and talked to Karl.
I'm already ready for bed!

Day four...

J. had been prepped before coming in to respite that he has adoptive 'forever' parents.
He is expecting to meet them when his primary foster mom comes back.
But, with the timing of all this, I think he thinks we're mom and dad, forever mom and dad.
I would keep them in a heart beat, but it's not possible.
Every day he's getting more and more settled, and D. is too.
It melts my heart when she comes to me for comfort, like a momma would do.
Their adoptive parents are going to be blessed, and very very busy with J!

Last night they did earn their pizza, popcorn, party night.
But you would think that we were torturing them!
J. could barely keep quiet, and hold still for 2 minutes (literally).

I've been leaning on Kasey to help us out as we get use to parenting older boys.
J. is a very sweet hearted boy, he has a very beautiful spirit and really means the best - but he doesn't get boundaries, and loves to react impulsively.
Hence, he is like my best boy Simon. And hence why Kasey is as good as gold to me right now! (As if she weren't already).

Because it is 100% true, that parenting alone can not wrangle these boys - and you have to be VERY creative to keep them in line.
If he were going to be here longer, I would definitely be looking for a 3's preschool to help him grasp authority, and learn to be comfortable assimilating to not being in charge of himself, and everyone around him. Not to mention giving me a few hours to get my brain back to a semi-firm state, because after a few weeks it would definitely be mush with out a little respite myself.

I'e been praying for all of us to have good days, for me to not fall too in love as my heart will surely break

when they leave, and for J. to let go of some of this anxiety and impulsiveness that controls him.

We are currently trying to earn a swim party with Justin and Nana tonight!

It was a good night!

Evelyn just slept ALL the way through the night for the FIRST time since she was born!

Day three...

Whew! Today was a long day!
A few changes in atmosphere.
J + D are calling Karl and I mommy and daddy.
J is getting much more comfortable and is really testing boundaries and rules.
D refused a nap again today, keeping her brother up too.
We all went to the library for creative play time, with the help of my dad - and that was fun.
J decided he knew best, and tried to run where ever he pleased, the boy needs a leash!
He also got so in to his computer game that he had an accident (pee), and we had to make an emergency evacuation.
D is getting much more comfortable with the dogs - she is petting them and giving them kisses.
J is still relatively terrified and goes in to a huge fit if they start play fighting, bark, or get to close to him with out warning.
It's crazy how 50 something hours with two kids, and they already feel like mine, and like they've been here much longer than that!
I'll tell you this though, 2 is much easier than 4!

Not that I didn't know that already, but I didn't expect to be this tired!
Hopefully when I adjust to getting up at 6:30AM and to bed by 10PM I'll be able to get along a little better through out the day.
Tomorrow is pizza, popcorn, movie night - only if the kids take their nap.
That's right, I'm bribing a nap out of them - I need one too!

Day two...

Whew - taking all four kiddos out to Once Upon A Child and lunch really takes it out of you!
We had to get bathing suits for Ethan and J. We're hoping to go to Justin and Nana's pool Saturday.
J. + D. are getting very comfortable here already, even after just 1 day.
J. needs a lot of redirection, and reminders - and D. is so submissive I don't foresee many issues with her.

Their Adoptive Parents are going to be so blessed with these two - but oh so very busy.
D. has gotten over her fear of the dogs, and actually gave Bailey a kiss today! But, J. is still very scared.
I was really excited about them taking a 2 hour nap after shopping and lunch, and J. went down really well - but D. wasn't having it. She ended up cuddling on the couch with me for an hour - and I could just love on her forever.
I'll be sad to see them both go.
Karl is off to D-groups tonight, and I'm home alone with all four and bedtime. This should be interesting.

Day one...

Whew day one is done, and we're all heading to bed.
We had a lot of visitors today. These little ones are probably weary that everyday will be as busy as today.
Luckily it wont.
We had my mom, dad, sister, brother, Kasey, Si, and Amelia all over.
Add that to me, karl, ethan, evie, J, and D and you get 13 people!
Whew.
J is a doll, he is a little Daddy to every one. and D is so quiet and sweet.
They're both terrified of dogs and cats - so that should make things a little interesting.
But, we're hanging in there.
I'm currently waiting out the next 10 or so minutes to see if they actually stay in bed :)
Things went really well.
Smoother than expected.
But, I think this is the first time I've been ready to go to sleep at 9 in a long time.